I need to focus on healing. On love. It’s the only way. Tapping into my higher self. Tapping into consciousness. Into love. True love. The kind of love that is unconditional. Free of judgement. Just pure love out of nothing. And everything. I am healing. I am learning how to heal myself. How to heal all of my wounds. The hurt that I’ve buried within. Hope is stronger than fear. And I have a lot of hope. I have a lot of love. I am surrounded by love. I do feel tired from this fight. Maybe I should stop fighting. That’s why I am tired. Because fighting won’t take me anywhere. The cancer isn’t here to fight me. It isn’t here to hurt me. It’s here to guide me. It’s here to push me to grow. I need to grow as a spirit. That’s my job. That’s my purpose. My destiny. I have all the power I need. I can do anything. I can achieve anything. I can create anything for myself. I can manifest anything. I am the creative force of my life. This is all I need right now. To heal. And to grow. To love myself. To love life. To love others. To move into higher consciousness. To higher understanding. Acceptance. Allowance. I allow myself the way I am. A stone just is. A bee is a bee. They don’t try to be anything else. They just are. Let’s do the same. Things are starting to make sense. All this talk about love. It’s starting to make sense. It’s been the answer all along. Love. I just needed to get accustomed to it. I needed the repetition. And going back to that state I was in right after leaving the hospital after the transplant. That’s when I achieved the highest understanding. Everything made sense. Everything was in absolute balance and peace. I was at peace. I was love. I still get into my habitual reactive state. And it’s not pleasant when so happens. The relapse wasn’t promised. I created it. Because I needed it. I wasn’t ready yet. But now I am getting there. There is no space for hate in my heart. There is no space for fear in my heart. There is no space for fear. None. Fear is an illusion. An idea. A thought. I take full responsibility for what happens to me. It doesn’t even happen to me. I create it. I create my experience of life. Every single moment is created by me. By my thoughts, actions, and words. I’ve created this experience. I create it every single second. In full. All of it. What comes to me I called for. What leaves me I sent away. This is my canvas. My sheet of paper. My work. My magnum opus. My life. My story. My legacy. My message to the world. I am here to do great things. I am here to do major things. I am here to move the world with my work. With who I am. I am an indigo child. A chosen one. In me I have the potential to change the world. To help the people of Earth move into higher levels of consciousness, awareness, and love. I am learning to be pure in action and thought. To live in love. To love everyone for who they are. We are all just beings of light doing the dance of life together. We only have this one single life. And it’s beautiful. It’s a celebration of the divine. I feel like I am writing some stuff just to sound spiritual. Practically, I shall focus on my well-being. Focus on my practices. Be aware of everything. Be aware of all the sneaky self-hate that I indulge in. Catch myself every time. And just stop doing it. I have flaws and they make me who I am. I am perfect the way I am. Everything is the way it is. It is what it is. I am trying to be the best version of myself in each moment. I am trying to choose love over fear in each moment.

The fear of a painful death is present. I don’t enjoy pain. Especially physical pain. It does scare me. The idea of it. The thought of it. Does this fear serve me? Does it help me in any way? It’s mainly connected to cancer though. It’s not like a fear of a painful death from being sliced by a knife. No. It’s the idea of laying in the hospital bed in pain and the body getting eaten up by cancer. But when I actually think about it. That can’t happen. The death from cancer probably wouldn’t hurt because leukemia usually doesn’t hurt when dying and even if it did I’m sure the doctors are allowed to give plenty of pain medication. So what is it? What is it that scares me so much? I guess it’s death itself. I just cried a bit. I imagined my mom in the case of me dying. That’s heartbreaking. But now I remember that once a person dies it’s all okay. The illusion dissolves into the divine infinite. The fact that we will cease to exist one day. All of us. All the people I’ve ever known and loved. And hated. Each person I’ve ever met. We will all die one day. None of us know when our time will come. That’s why life is so precious. It’s so fragile. So special. Each day is so fucking special. Each fucking moment is so fucking special. I am loving awareness. I am loving awareness. I am loving awareness.

This disease isn’t here to kill me. It’s here to teach me how to love. This disease is love. Everything is love. I love myself. I love my body. I love my life. I am alive. Today. Right here right now. I am breathing. I am with my loved ones. Thank you God. Thank you. I am beyond grateful. I am not leaving my people. It’s my responsibility to elevate myself. To grow out of the self-hate. Death is life. Life is death. 2 sides of the same coin. One leads to the other. One cannot be without the other. Death is the ultimate transformation. The ultimate release. The spirit will finally be free. Until then, we live. We love. We enjoy. We grow. We learn. I am responsible man. And I know my path is that of life. Of staying here for much longer. I am chosen man. I always knew it. I always felt it. And this illness is my confirmation. All this growth I’ve done is my confirmation. Now I am learning love. And that is the highest teaching. Nothing else. Just love. Everywhere. Forgiveness. Acceptance. Allowance. Peace. Balance. Truth. Honesty. Transparency. Life is good. Life is amazing. Life is miraculous. Miracles do happen. Often. I just have to allow them. Believe in them. Anything is possible. Full healing is possible. Miraculous healing is possible. I create my destiny. It’s so obvious. FUCK! What I intend to happen is what happens. Especially the outcome of this whole leukemia experience. I am limitless. My creative power is limitless. Namaste.

December 16th 2020